Books¶
Notes on books I've read.
The Art of Loving — Erich Fromm
Problem: separateness and loneliness.
Solutions:
- Orgiastic state — drugs, alcohol, sex: intense, transitory, periodical.
- Union — conformity, routine, creative activity.
The forms of union: a mature form (love), and immature forms (symbiotic union, including a passive form and an active form).
In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
Basic elements of love (p.21):
- Active concern, care
- Responsibility — an entirely voluntary act, attending to the physical and psychic needs of the other
- Respect — wanting the loved one to grow and unfold for her own sake, in her own way; I need to achieve independence and freedom
- Knowledge — deeply knowing the other
A mother should not transfer her anxiety to her children; she should wish them to be independent and separate from her — this is what makes motherly love such a difficult task. A father should be patient and tolerant, and permit his children to become their own authority.
- Erotic love: exclusive, dependent on will and commitment.
- Self-love: the basis for loving others; missing it results in selfishness.
Practice of love:
- Discipline
- Concentration — being able to enjoy being alone, and awareness of, or sensitivity to, oneself
- Objectivity, which requires a reasoning mind and humility
- Faith and courage
- Activity
- Patience
- Love is not a business — we should not talk about fairness when talking about love.
被讨厌的勇气 (The Courage to Be Disliked)
- 弗洛伊德主张决定论，即过去对现在只有一种特定的影响；阿德勒主张选择论，即过去对现在的影响是基于现在对过去的看法而产生的，换句话说，过去对现在的影响是可选择的。
- 课题分离：只有不害怕被人讨厌的勇气，才能拥有自由。
- 课题分离，构建自由个体的共同体。
- 把对自己的执着，变成对他人的关心。
- 可以把马带到水边，但不能强迫其喝水——这是建立在课题分离和横向关系之上的援助。
- 横向关系：无论年幼、职位高低，都平等对待，不卑不亢。
- 自我接纳、信赖：只有对一个人无所求，才能信赖——即不求回报的关心；只有信赖才能建立深厚的情感。
- 贡献感即幸福感；被他人认可只是其中一种方式，需警惕对廉价优越性和关注的追求。
- 甘于平凡的勇气。
- 从潜在性的人生（为了追求那个目标）转向现实性的人生：活在当下，享受每一刹那。
- 人生就像是在每一个瞬间不停旋转起舞的连续的刹那，暮然四顾时常会惊觉：已经来到这里了吗？